by Joan Celebi, Ed.M., CLC
Founder, SpecialNeedsParentCoach.com

What's the best way to react when someone stares at your child in public?  I came across this quote yesterday from a young woman who uses a wheelchair and has dealt with plenty of staring.  I love her simple, easy response to people who stare:

Since I was very young I have had to deal with people staring at me. This seems to be a common problem amongst people with disabilities. As I have grown, my way of dealing with this problem has changed. When I was younger it would upset me and make me feel very self-conscious. Now I have grown to realize that people do not stare out of spite, and they are not intentionally trying to be rude ... it is just human nature to look and wonder about someone who is different.  Sometimes people stare because they admire you ... For example; I am a very energetic and happy go lucky person and I have been told several times, at my college, by people who see me in the halls and are amazed at my ability to move around the campus with such a positive attitude.

If you are a disabled person who finds someone staring at you, and it really drives you nuts, turn to the person, smile, and or say hello. This serves two purposes, first it wakes the person up and lets them know that they are staring at you and, it brakes the ice, easing the atmosphere for both you and the other person.

- From http://www.copingwithdisability.com/rudy/2008/05/dealing-with-st.html

I'll admit that I once found myself staring at a toddler with Down Syndrome, in a doctor's office waiting room several years ago.  I hadn't even realized I was staring.  He was playing so happily, and as I looked at him, I was reminded of another boy with Down Syndrome who had been in a playgroup with my son.  I wondered how he and the other former playgroup families were doing.  I remembered the conversations I used to have with the other moms in the group.  I remembered the songs we used to sing and the activities we would do together. 

After what must have been a few minutes, I was jolted back to the present by an icy glare from the toddler's mom.  I knew exactly how she was feeling - I've certainly had my share of people staring at my son in public.  But then the toddler and his mom were called in to see the doctor, and I never got a chance to mend the situation. 

So ... my advice on staring, when I'm asked how to handle it by clients, teleclass members, and workshop attendees, is first, to keep in mind that you really don't know why the person is staring or what the person is thinking.  Assume the best.  Even people who look like they're frowning may in fact be experiencing worry or concern, not disapproval. 

Second, a positive approach is ultimately better for your own well-being, and also for the well-being of your child.  Try humor, or try reaching out with a simple "hello," as our young author advises above. 

Finally, there are times when someone's staring is indeed inappropriate.  In that case, try ignoring them.  Believe me, I know, that's easier said than done!  But responding in annoyance or anger only feeds into their negativity, and that's not good for you or your child.  Your emotional and mental energy is far too valuable to waste on such ignorance. 

Instead, practice your deep breathing and stay strong in the knowledge that you and your child do what you do for good reasons.  No amount of staring can diminish what you know to be true: you are doing the best job you can as a parent, and your child is beautiful.